I think how I think of myself and how I am is not the same as how I project myself.

I went into work tonight to turn in my uniform and get my paycheck, and I expected people to be mad at me, you know, for just up and quitting. But instead they were just confused. I was expecting anger though, and I was completely okay with that. But the confusion, ugh, that just made me feel worse. And I didn't explain myself well either. I didn't really want to though. I don't like having to justify my (personal) decisions. Sometimes they just feel right to me, even if they don't really make sense. And I agree, there's not a lot of sense in what I did; it was definitely an emotional reaction.

Kip was not surprised though. I think people that know me well, know that sometimes I just quit things. I think that makes me a coward. I don't like to think of myself that way, but I think it's true. But people have flaws, and that's not one that will bother me that much.

Oh, also, since I was talking a lot to Kip today, it came up that I really do feel an excess of pressure from some vague outside source, and I don't believe that's normal. Which, it's usually okay to not be normal, but what confuses me, is that I don't understand where this comes from. I have a very strong sense of duty and responsibility, but I think that only makes me beat up myself up harder when I mess up like this. I always (generally) try to do the right thing, you know? Unless there's some other reason in particular that I feel that I should not. But why? I always been one to follow the rules, even sometimes when I disagree with them, as long as it doesn't adversely affect me. I was always the "good kid" when I was younger too. And for the most part a good student, except when I just didn't do stuff (more quitting really). I think this is all related. But I really don't understand why I feel the pressures of society way more than other people. Kip said he hardly even thinks about it. Maybe it's because I am so acutely aware of them? It's a subtle thing, but I don't usually miss subtleties. I think I'm perceptive, anyway. :P Or maybe it's just all in my head.

I just want to understand myself better. I suppose it's part of the same curiosity that makes me want to understand other people as well, as well as it's very practical to understand yourself. If you have any insights, feel free to let me know. Criticism doesn't really bother me. I've just been in a very introspective sort of mood lately.

Perhaps because I feel like I'm still searching for the right kind of job. Which I think very strongly is a foolish thing to do. But I want to do it so badly anyway. And my heart is just winning over my head right now. The problem with my indecision is so much that I don't have all the information. I make great decisions when I have the information I need. But I will never get all the information for this. At some point you just have to take risks, and realize that you might be making a mistake. I know logically that mistakes are just chances for learning, but I feel like there is too much riding on this for more mistakes. So I take the ever-present third option of inaction, and that's a mistake as well.

I am not unhappy anymore with myself though. I am just disappointed. I thought I was better than this, but I'm just a normal human being, like everyone else. And like Bazan sings, "It's hard to be a decent human being."

*sigh* I can't wait for the Bazan concerts this weekend. It's going to be so much fun, I know it. Really I want to change everything about my life right now and make it better.

And I want to end this with something positive, uplifting, or interesting, but...I've got well, bismuth crystals.

I keep meaning to write something, but then I don't. It's like I don't want to update others on my life. But that's not it, is it? I think it's because I feel very unsuccessful now. I can't even go into the kitchen in the morning without throwing up. I tried that today because Kip complains about making me food. (And understandably so.) Well, it did not go over well. It drives me nuts. I used to like cooking, and now I go to the store and just buy junk food and processed crap like a normal person. It's so weird. I just don't have the patience to wait 20 or 30 minutes to eat. Five minutes is stretching it sometimes.

I think I'm just on the food topic because I'm hungry though. That happens a lot. That's also annoying. I feel like I'm always hungry. It was worse at work. I threw up once because I hadn't eaten in over 3 hours. Then I went back to work. Anyway, I quit that. I'm sure people will be mad at me. It seems like they always are. But maybe that's all in my head. I think it was the right choice. I should have done it sooner though. I need to learn to stand up for myself. I never thought I was bad at that, but I realized that I totally am. I thought I was someone who didn't care what other people thought. No, that's a lie, I think other people see me that way sometimes. Because I just go ahead and make the choices that I think are right. Not because I don't care what other people think, but just because I know I have to do what's right for myself, and I don't usually worry about the consequences until later. Really it makes me feel like a terrible person to let everyone down, but I just couldn't take it anymore.

I want to be treated like a person. Not a cog, machine, or number. I don't want to get yelled at just for talking to a coworker. I want to be able to take a step back and think every hour or so. Seriously, I have less than half the energy I used to before I got pregnant. I'm just tired. I sleep 9-11 hours a day. Or, well, maybe not sleep, but at least lie in bed that long.

I want to just step back for a minute and try to change my life. I want to make everything better. I was almost happy today. No, I think I was happy. Kip and I took a walk on the trail by the house, and we stood on the bridge a long time. He said he was looking for fish, but they are brown, and you can't really see them that well, especially with all the leaves in the water. We did find an osage orange, and that was fun. Could not figure out which tree it came from, but I looked it up on wikipedia afterward because I was so curious, and now I know what to look for. I might try to find it next time I walk the trail. Oh yeah, and we saw an owl too. And it screeched at us. Heh, I thought owls only hooted. Usually when I see them it's at night, but this was daytime.

Oh, and we went shopping today, and I bought some sweatpants WITH POCKETS!!! and a large jacket. I was so excited. I mean, they aren't the prettiest things, but I've been looking for some warm pants for when it gets cold, but also I want pockets, because I am deeply unsatisfied with the maternity pants I bought recently because everything falls out of the slanted pockets. Anyway, it was $10 for each thing, and I know that's way better than trying to get some stupid maternity clothes. I think I've given up on them already. There are just like 3 styles, and if you don't like them you're out of luck. I almost just want to design clothes now to make up for it. But I think in the long run that's not a good idea. I don't know anything about clothes, other than I hate most of what's out there.


Anyway, even though I don't like myself very much lately, now that Kip's out of school/work, he's home a lot lately, and it's so nice to get to spend time with him again. I really like Kip. He's just so nice. Sometimes I wish I were nice like all the people I know that are nice, and that's why I like them, but it's hard to be nice. I am such an angry, aggressive person. I feel like I don't know how to be nice to people sometimes. In fact, I think part of the reason I'm so angry is that I am an aggressive person, yet I feel pressure (who knows from where) to not be that way. Like it's not proper or something. Maybe I just need a good outlet or something.

I think about it sometimes. I mean, I'm gonna have a kid in about 6 months. And I want that person to be nice. You know, like the nice people I really admire. But I am so angry sometimes, and I don't want to be all angry at my kid. *sigh* It will probably be tough, you know, to be a parent. But it's something I've wanted for a while now. I keep thinking that should be enough to look forward to, but it just is so long off, that it's really hard for me for that to be enough to make me happy.

I feel like there is so much pressure on me to get money now. Especially with Kip dropping out of his program. Which I suppose is normal for most people. I just hate everything, and I don't want to be defined by my job. And I don't want to start anything that won't pay off for a while, because I want to be able to take time off for the kid. I realize now that this probably mean poverty for longer than I was expecting, but I'm okay with that now. It's not the best thing ever, you know, but it could always be worse.

...Now I'm just rambling, kind of like, as if I were talking. That's kind of how I see this. Anyway, I keep meaning to make a list of all things I want to do. There's a lot. Hopefully I will do that soon, and get some structure and hope back into my life. I'm not exactly depressed or anything. I've just been very unhappy lately. It's odd.

Anyway, I leave you with this awesome video I saw linked to on Reddit. Everything is Okay.

-Sarah-

Things change. I got depressed again at not figuring out what kind of job I want. I almost certain I'm just doing it wrong now. I rule things out too quickly. I just need to try a lot of things out. But that is so hard because you have to look for a new job constantly, and that's not any fun at all.

So now I'm working at McDonalds, and I already don't like it. I don't hate it like I have some of my other jobs, so no worry really. I could stay for a while and not go crazy. It is just not interesting at all, like Burger King was. It's totally different. Kinda weird. I just stand around and do nothing sometimes. Well, part of the problem is I'm not working during peak busy periods, and part of the problem is they are just not giving me enough to do just because of the way tasks are divided.

I really just want something more interesting now. Where I can learn more all the time. Mike said I need to join a startup. I agree. Or nonprofit or something. Or make my own.

Then we started talking about my Sudbury school plan, and how I've done nothing lately for that. So I've been thinking about why not, and what to do to fix it. But having another person to talk about it helps. So I'm going to try to write about it every 2 weeks, but it will be on my other blog, Sudbury School St Louis. I have some ideas, and Mike gave me some, so I'm going to write about them regularly, even if it's just I thought about this idea and haven't done anything yet. Heck, the Renaissance book and the Refuse to Choose book I read said to schedule yourself time to work on your project/thing, and make sure to keep that appointment. Now why didn't I take that advise? I dunno.

Anyway, I gave myself a long list of things to do today, so I'd better go get started.

Also, totally unrelated, but I'm planning on seeing David Bazan in concert in October with people! I'm so excited!!! We are going to go to Illinois in late October.

Later.
-Sarah-

I finished the Parachute book. It was alright. Good tips for job finding, I suppose. Though I haven't done much because I still don't know what job I want.

It's like all books I've read on this topic. "Okay, do these exercises!" That will tell you what you already pretty much knew about yourself. And then, oh wait, that's the end of the book, the last part* just says, "Okay now figure out what job that is. Do some research or something." Because that were actually in the book, that would be far too easy. We can't make it easy for people who want to figure out a career, noooo.

(*actually the last chapter is something about religion and life purpose and I did not read it because it looked stupid)

Anyway Bolles advise is to look at your skills and then knowledge/interest because they tend to give away job titles or careers field.

So following up from last post...

Skills Recap:
* planning
* setting up
* handling
* serving
* communicating
* evaluating

Oh, and the knowledge/interests section didn't really work for me I don't think. I don't know if it was because I didn't spend enough time coming up with things I learned/studied or because my interests change daily... I think if I had done this on a different day I would have gotten something entirely different.

My top 3 were:
* childcare
* desktop publishing
* C#

And that's really more what I find interesting at the moment than what I actually know a lot about. Because the things I know a lot about (ie linguistics) are completely boring to me now. And I don't see anyway in which those 3 things are related to each other. Nor do I really care if I use any of them in a job, so I just kind of ignored those. Maybe I should just do that exercise again...



So I've been trying to figure out what fits...so far, not much.

Event planning almost seems like it would fit, but it's way too hardcore for me. I don't want to be rushing around trying to talk to 10 different people at once. They do seem to do some set up stuff that looks interesting, but the other parts turn me off of this idea.

So then I looked up what I said I would want to do, be the person who sets stuff up for Conferences. Unfortunately, the only thing similar is the person who works for the hotel who sets the room up. But that's like the tables and stuff, and they have to carry heavy things, and they don't seem to do the finer, more interesting work. It seems they are called Conference Room Setup Attendants or something along those lines.

However, usually whoever meets in there is doing the other part, and I'm sure they are just whoever is doing the talking or whatever. I'm not to sure about this part though because I haven't found anything.

Maybe meeting halls have a like a decorator, but they probably just do decorations. Hmm, I'm not sure. Maybe if I worked for a bigger event planner? Maybe then I could just do random stuff that needed to be done without all the stress of it? I don't know...

I've looked into being a package handler before, but their shifts are either early morning or night. Like 3:30 AM - 8:00 AM. And that's too early for me! And once again, it's like heavy stuff a lot of time. And I'm just not that strong to do that for 5 hours a day.

Oh, there is something called Visual Merchandiser who sets up displays in stores. But that's a little more artsy than I'd like. Like I can make stuff look nice, but not like the perfect optimized for people to want to buy it or whatever. Plus it's like marketing stuff, and I hate that stuff. I don't want a job where I'm trying to make people buy stuff, you know?

Well, whatever, anyway, that's what ideas I have so far, so if you have any ones, let me know.

Later.
-Sarah-

Since some people don't think I update my journal enough to visit *cough* *cough* I found a way to get an RSS feed of it.

From Here.

* Atom: http://sky-imp.livejournal.com/data/atom
* RSS: http://sky-imp.livejournal.com/data/rss


Otherwise, just keep reading...

I've been reading this book--you've probably heard of it--called What Color is Your Parachute. It was nice because the library had the most recent year's copy. It is kind of interesting actually. I've kinda always assumed if it was that popular it would just be dumb. Now isn't that silly of me?

Well, anyway I was doing the exercises in the book for figuring out what career is right for you, and this is what I got for my skills. I though it was funny! Tell me if I'm wrong about any of this.

I am good at...

* planning my own actions/activities in an efficient and logical manner.
* setting up small pieces, displays, or other objects in an aesthetically pleasing and thoughtful manner.
* handling objects and people smoothly and carefully so no damage is incurred.
* serving--anticipating and responding quickly to the physical needs of others.
* communicating with clarity to coordinate actions and share responsibilities with others.
* evaluating the actions of others to determine where my own actions would be most useful.

It is supposed to be a mix of skills I am good at and that I enjoy. I think this was by far the most useful section. (Although I am not to the end yet.) I still hate holland codes... I think everyone is interesting as long as they are talking about something that they are interested in.

Of course, I am still not convinced that there is a job out there that I would actually enjoy, but I will continue to look anyway...because that's what I am supposed to do.

Later.
-Sarah-

Kip and I put in an application for an apartment in St. Louis, but they called us back today and said we don't make enough money to be approved unless we get someone to cosign. Well, it doesn't surprise me that much. It's just really annoying. I wanted us to have our own apartment for once, but I guess that's not going to happen just yet. I'm not sure yet what we are going to do. We have until the end of July I suppose. That's when Kip's classes end.

*sigh* I kind of thought this might happen when Kip switched to the unpaid semester internship. He's not allowed to work outside of the internship, not that he would have the time to. I guess I need to get a job in St. Louis somehow. But it's really hard when you don't live there yet. Blah, blah, blah, I guess I'm full of excuses. :/

And the sad part is I really like my job here in Kirksville. It's a great place to work. Everyone is so nice and understanding. But now I have to leave. Maybe I can get my boss to recommend me for a different location. I think most of the stuff would be the same across the franchise. I just know it wouldn't be as cool of a place.

Well, I'm off to look for jobs...

-Sarah-

Well, all my smooth talking got me a job. Wonderful, except not really. I had my orientation today. Not really a big deal. I got a couple work shirts, and learned some safety rules. Filled out paperwork. The usual stuff. Then at the end we got to check the schedule to see when we were going to be scheduled. I wasn't even on the schedule at all. Neither was one other guy. Lame. I understand they have to train us first, and I'm all for not working a full-time schedule, but that's just crap. What's the point of having a job then? At least I had unemployment before this. Although I guess if I had kept looking and applying for jobs I could still get it since Burger King is part-time work. Damn, I suck. :( If I could've gotten at least 2 shifts a week, it would be worth it to work. Hopefully next week will be better.


I guess I should be happy, now I have more time to work on Sudbury stuff. I'm not sure where to begin though. Flyers? A website? Ads on craigslist? There's not a whole lot I can do without money, it feels like. The planning kit is $600. I'm sure it would have resources and guides that would help me know what to do. But where am I going to get that money if I can't even get shifts? And we haven't gotten our deposit back from our last landlord. And that stupid bank keeps giving me the run around. I just want to give them my money to borrow, is that so wrong? I am not impressed with their service. I guess I should call them, but I'm still angry about everything right now. I guess I should never move in the future, yeah, like that is going to work. Because apparently if you move, you become a different person. Seriously it should not be that hard to verify an address! I've faxed them 3 times already; I'm not doing it again.

There's just too many stupid people who just don't even know it.

I do not like it here in Kirksville. I'm ready to get out... I'm so ready. At least Emily comes over a lot to play games, but I'd rather be somewhere else, really. I was hoping working a whole bunch would distract me, but as we see that's not going to happen.


Anyway, I should probably work on explaining the Sudbury model concept better to people, so I think I'll go work on that and update my other blog with my results.

Cheer me up?
-Sarah-

I had an interview today, and it went really great.

I got a job now! I start next week.

It's at Burger King.

I'm really excited about this actually.
-Sarah-

Sudbury School St. Louis

A blog about my intent and experiences trying to research and start a Sudbury school in St. Louis. Currenty I am in the researching and networking stage, if there is such a thing. Feel free to read it.

The more readers I have, the more likely I am to update. And updating requires work towards my goal, so it's all good.

Thanks.
-Sarah-